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August 24, 2003
Perrier Awards! Last night was the climax of my Fringe: The Perrier Awards Party.
I didn't go.
I'm not really bothered though as it gave me a night in on my own with Front Bomb.
I watched it all live on www.chortle.co.uk. The winner was some foreigner called Dimitri Martian. The tiny was won by Gary Le Strange.
The winners were announced by the League Against Gentlemen who I'd liked to have met. The boys and Jesus are still sleeping so I've not heard all the gossip.
Kris accidentally kicked my head in at 5am and he muttered something about Jeremy Dyson hoovering up all the free booze.
It's alright for some.
Karushi.
JG
August 22, 2003
When I saw Dave today he said that the boys were feeling "low key". I could hardly contain myself before replying "What, you mean the Norse God Loki?". Classic. Actually Dave was referring to the fact that they were very hung over after availing themselves of the free booze at the "So You're Think You're Funny?" Party. Turns out they didn't realise that my invitation was with theirs and assumed they had a spare. They took Jesus in.
That's absolutely fine.
Was RATHER hoping to get off with a female contestant but there's always the Perrier tommorow for that. Can't wait to be introduced to Flight Of The Concordes, Kris says that they're a female dance troupe from Moldova who specialise in physical satire. Great, I love satire! Parody.
Much to his suprise Dave realised that the winner of SYTYF is someone he has played drunken table-tennis against in a bedroom in Holloway. I'm not sure if that was a euphamism or not.
At the moment the boys are in the kitchen desperately casting around for ideas. Its not their new show, tommorow they have to cook for someone not clever enough to eat meat. That's right, fantastic Susan Comedy and Sharon Lounge are coming for dinner. Dave says he's going to shut me in a cupboard so I can leap out and do a fantastic joke. Oh... hang on, he wants me to practise now. Best go.
JG
August 19, 2003
Last night, a trendy young journalist accused me of being a 'metrosexual'. 'You mean free to commuters?' I asked. 'No,' he said 'I meant that I'd toss you onto the seat while I'm getting off'. That's the last time I drink Absinthe.
JG
August 17, 2003
I've just got back from seeing one of the best shows EVER! Pure fringe! I can't recommend it highly enough. I'm typing this on my laptop on top of Arthur's Seat.
The show was called Alfie Joey's Mini-Caberet, and it take's place in his car. Mental! It was supposed to be a red Ford Escort, but when I went to see it it was a white transit van, and cost more than I was expecting. Apparently they hadn't heard of me at the 'box office'in the back of the van but were happy to let me in for £50 and my watch. But it was brilliant! It totally transported me to another place.
Ayr.
Unfortunately it failed to transport me back.
Now THAT's what I call theatre. Dave called it a bad attempt to run away to the circus, but I told him that the circus was on the Meadows which is in completely the other direction. I recommend everyone to go and see this show, and if you find my trousers, please e-mail them back to me.
In the post.
JG
August 11, 2003
Wow!
What a couple of queers its been! I think I'm quoting Bob Dylan when I say that its been some "strange days". If I'm not then its probably Dylan Thomas. Not Literally. Literally ( as in literary). Perhaps its Bob Thomas? He's not queer. Who is? Boy George. Marilyn.
I think Jesus might have a touch of the "Eddy Belly" at the moment. Certainly, from what I could hear through the door, he couldn't sleep last night for tossing and was moaning quite liberally. Not literally. Liberally. I over heard Dave this morning and, from the way he talked, he's definitely going down on something at the moment. He's a bit worried that he might have given Jesus a dicky bottom.
Jesus seems quite happy however. He wants me for a Sunbeam. No really, it was hilarious, apparently he thought he could exchange me for an old Nissan that an old fella was flogging in loot. He was telling me that, in his country, that was how things were done. Many times, in his rural community, has he been forced to exchange his Ass for hard currency. Once he was forced to offer the Ass of his brother, this went down less well on him. People like Jesus were forced to milk their Ass for all it was worth.
Right, I'd better get myself off. I'm meant to meeting Susan and Susan from Turnbulllounge sometime whenever and I don't want it to be too hard.
JG.
You don't know how busy I've been! I haven't told you yet. I told you yesterday. Very.
There's approximately 80 thousand different shows at this year's festival. I met a fellow taste-maker at a party last night, and apparently she'd seen five of them already! I've got a lot of catching up to do. Here's what I've seen (in no particular order, except alphabetical).
a) Monty Python's Flying Circus
I didn't get this. It seemed to be in Spanish or something.
b) Priorité à Gauche.
Again, something funny with the voices here.
c) Rob Brydon - Marion & Geoff
I didn't get this at all. Despite being in Scotland for several days, I still can't get the accent.
I also wasted a lot of time on the train, travelling down to Bedforshire to catch 'Luton Live' which is apparently brilliant. It didn't seem to be on yesterday though. Maybe I got it confused with 'Leyton Live'.
The best thing I like about the scotland fringe is that all the pubs are open until the morning, which means I don't have to hang around so long outside the flat waiting for the boys to wake up. As they rightly point out, they've got a show to do and need all the sleep they can get. I saw Dave in the Underbelly yesterday at about 4:30am talking to a professional actress. I could have gone and had a chat, but I didn't want to feel like a gooseberry, so I went and had a shave instead.
Shall I tell you the most interesting thing about the Edinburgh Festival? All the shows that go on.
JG
August 09, 2003
Very busy.
August 08, 2003
Finally today it happened. I found Jesus. I saw the light. Someone was in the shower. It was Jesus. Not literally. No literally it was Jesus.
The door opened and out walked Jesus Mandriguez a clean complexioned nineteen year old that Dave has saved from a life of poverty on the streets of Lisbon.
Dave was extremely pleased to see him and obviously he takes a vicarious pleasure in Jesus coming in to his own.
I had my first proper night of the fesival last night. It was a bit weird because I needed to go to the library in the Teviot Rooms and the Gilded Balloon have installed a bar in there!! Instead of spending the evening boning up I had enjoy a few shandies with Sharon and Sharon from Cribbenlounge. Chortle.
Something about a stool.
I jacked off a couple more reviews today but I'm not sure if they'll fertilise in to print.
Alex Fish's horne show is a must star see!!
I'm about to take it up the late and live now but I'll finger you all later (and live)
JG
August 07, 2003
Couldn't sleep. Dave told me that we "have to keep one of the beds in the flat free for jesus". i slept on the wooden floor. i woke up at six am and there was still no sign of jesus. when i climbed in to bed with mark he gave me such a big hug with the pillows and duvet it was actually difficult to breathe!
i got an email from sharon and susan from comedylounge that was sent at 4.27am!! In the morning!! That's the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!!!! I think they're both a bit mental.
it's so cold in scotland.
i'm going to wash the floor now.
August 06, 2003
The Bells, The Bells! Or as they say in Scotchland "ow my head". I'm sitting in the Nice Mum flat in my pants and there's hangover.
I spent the yesterday shooting up the atmosphere here at my second Fringe. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with Bill Bailly.... Yes, it's 12 Angry Men (not the cast of Nottingham University's Love Labour's Lost who just got one star in the Maestro). It's a brilliantine show.
Here are more things I've seen in list form. I'm a writer.
Dave Gorman sitting on a wall.
Daniel Kitson talking to John Oliver.
Loads of beer and wine!
A spider.
It's obvious why they call this the largest arts festival in the world. (it's because it IS).
Cameron won Big Brother because he's a Christian and he's used to having someone watching over him constantly.
I'm going to eat eggs now. You can't beat them...
August 05, 2003
I'm at the Edinburgh Festival 2003! You're not! Well you might be. Unfortunately Dave said there wasn't enough room in the car, as they had to keep the spare seat empty in case they needed to pick up any hitch-hikers. So I took the train.
I've been walking for three days. They tossed me off at Newcastle. My passport photo didn't match up with my real face!
I tried explaining to the station manager at Newcastle that my original cheek face had been smashed up by a metal car crash and replaced by a man-made new. He said something in a thick Geordie accent which sounded like "fellahs". I repeated myself but louder and with more teeth. He said, "why eye?". I said, "so I can see stuff, I'm not having a new face with no eyes on it!".
Turns out that the reason why they wouldn't let me back on the train was because "someone" had scrawled, "I'm an illegal immigrant" on my passport. In Dave's handwriting. I think it might have been Mark. Kris.
So I walked.
And I walked.
Dave ran a marathon.
Kris ate a snickers.
I walked to the Edinburgh Festival.
I had been in Scotland for 37 hours and I hadn't seen a SINGLE horse. They were all married.
When I woke up the policeman was very nice to me.
I arrived at the flat all sogging wet and smelling. I immediately felt one of the boys again. It was Mark. He was very sympathetic and made me a cup of towel and rubbed me with a tea. It was blinking awful. But these new eyes are taking some adjusting to.
So I'm at the Fringe. I'll be posting regularly in Edinburgh (I have a lot of letters to write to people in London) and be keeping a diary on this site for Nice Mum and on the BBC!!!! Of course I'll also be reviewing all the shows I see and drinking lots!!!
I've got to go now. It's the excitement.
JG
August 03, 2003
Finally, at long, long last, I’ve come out!
After week and weeks trapped like a stick in hospital, after weeks and weeks of nurses and peas I’m finally a free man. Hardy. Willis.
Post operation, my face is still all sore and wrapped up with swathing bands. I was taking to my publishers the other day and joked that I was becoming the invisible man!!
The lady didn’t know who I was. I think she was new.
The doctors said I was very lucky. If I had been driving just 5 m.p.h faster then I might have lost my cheeks.
They’ve managed to surge most of it back together.
‘Front Bomb’ has been on my mind for days. Deadlines approach!!
The best news though – I’m going to the Edinburgh Festival again with the Nice Mum boys! Spoke to Mark and he said I could sit in the boot on the way up!
Can’t wait.
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